It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
