why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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