i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
