I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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