After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
