Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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