shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
She has the best kind of daddy issues
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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