I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
