Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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