My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
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The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
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Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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