My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We just shotgunned beers for America
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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