You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
