I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
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