turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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