I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
