The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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