can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Two words: blizzard sex
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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