uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Still dying that you shit outside
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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