I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
