Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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