Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
