Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
