I just pynch a tree in the face
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
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