I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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