Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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