Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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