Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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