i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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