you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
