i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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