you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
