you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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