ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
