I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
