Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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