Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
