I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
