he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
