i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
