THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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