Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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