you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
