Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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