I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
