rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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