he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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