I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
