that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
