Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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