i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
