i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
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