drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
