I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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