we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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