Joe is yelling at the trees again.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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