My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
