She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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