and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
