Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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