I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.