you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
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Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
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Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.