Are you guys doing anything tonight?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
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Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
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It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.