I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
